


I Can Breathe Again

by Lelaaa



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Coming Out, Feelings, Happy Ending, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-06-14 23:34:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15400053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lelaaa/pseuds/Lelaaa
Summary: Dejan is oblivious to Šime's love. He's scared to come out.





	1. i don't even know who i am anymore

**Author's Note:**

> lol i have no idea what im doing. help pls  
> also this is a slow burn fic, so it might take some time for them to touch dick just sayin  
> the next chapter will be up in a few day hopefully lol  
> and just fyi im mentioning dejan's (ex) wife so don't get triggered when you see her name lol

\- Why did you pay the journalist to stop publishing the story? I mean, isn't it better for you to be portrayed as a victim in this situation? – Vedran asked his teammate while he was packing his stuff in the locker room. Dejan just looked at him and shrugged. He was focused on his own bag, not really packing just staring.

\- I guess I don't want the mother of my children to be called a whore by the public – he bit back. It was rude the way he treated Vedran at that moment, but he knew Vedran understood. - She deserves some decency and privacy after all. I mean, if I weren't a „public figure“, this wouldn't even be in the media.

Vedran just nodded and gave his shoulder a quick grip, silently letting Dejan know that he understands. Dejan returned a small smile while Vedran was leaving the locker room. Dejan stayed all alone. His mind was racing. No one knew the entire truth.

It actually hurt him to keep lying to everyone. His teammates are his friends, some closer than the other ones, but they were still a big family. He could say anything to anyone and know that it won't leave that room. He had absolute trust in these people.

Then why was he struggling telling them the truth? Was it fear? He wasn't usually afraid of things and what other people thought of him never really bothered him that much. Was this that different? It was scary. He was disgusted by himself and he thought maybe not talking about it would go away.

But it hasn't. It's still there.

Dejan was gay. Or bisexual. Or anything but straight. Few years ago, when he got married and ended up being a dad, he felt his wife distancing herself from him. He felt no love in their marriage and the only love they shared was their love toward their children. Being a football player, Dejan was rarely at home, even though they were all living in Liverpool, and he was missing love. Maybe not actual love but any type of affection because his wife was starting to be cold toward him. He knew he was partially to blame, considering he never tried to bring a spark back into their love life but he allowed himself to be pissed at her for a while.

While he was playing for Liverpool, he found someone. Someone who made him smile and made him feel light. He had no worries when he was with this person. Only the problem was that this person was a man. A man made Dejan the happiest he has ever been and made him feel something he has never felt with his wife.

Of course, the relationship couldn't last. Firstly because Dejan's lover wanted to go public. Dejan almost got a panic attack only thinking about it. After they agreed to wait a while, his wife found out. Someone leaked pictures of the two of them together and before they could go public, Dejan made everything in his power to make them disappear. After that he knew his marriage was doomed and was completely unphased when he heard his wife was cheating on him. He figured he deserved it. Dejan made sure her story got told. He made sure her name was out of the press after that. She put up with him only for the children's sake and he understood.

It's not like Anita was homophobic. He remembers when he called her after the pictures got sent to their home address and her cheating scandal was spread all over the media. Dejan was on a trip during that time and he just needed to talk to her. She understood. She was caring, something she hasn't been for a while. It wasn't like he disgusted her, it was the 21st century for crying out loud, people weregay long before that. They got each other. It reminded Dejan of the time where they were friends. It reminded him of the time when he could tell her anything. It made him want to try again. But she didn't.

_\- You aren't happy, Dejan. This marriage... it's not making you happy. You are trying to be someone you're not. I understand you need to find yourself. And while you do that, we can still stay married for the kids' sake. But us being what we were? I don't think we'll ever go back to it. I never made you happy like he did. And I understand that. We were young when we got married. It's okay you're still finding yourself. Besides, I don't think I could be with you knowing I also cheated._

He had his doubts that she had a lover. It should've hurt to know she found someone, but it didn't. He was sort of happy for her. It made him feel less guilty about what he has done. Everyone is trying to tell his story for him and it was driving him crazy.

He wanted his voice to be heard, only he was so scared. He sighed and closed his bag after staring at it for a while. Maybe this World Cup is going to clear his mind. He needs a distraction.

\- Yo, Dejo! Čarli said you were still here. You comin' or what? - he heard Šime calling him and he turned around just in time to see Šime's head poking in through the door.

\- Eto me, dragi – Dejan responded and tossed his bag over his shoulder. Even though he had his doubts, his head needed to be clear just for a while. His personal problems didn't belong in the field and he should be able to separate his private life from his work life.

\- Is everything okay? You seem kind of down.

\- No, I'm just nervous. Šime laughed.

– Brate, you're not even playing. The starter team is changed this time. We get some time off, you know.

\- You don't – Dejan looked at Šime. His teammate laughed and nodded.

\- That's true, but I might not even play. And besides, our crew is strong, only Luka is starting like usual because coach is scared we might get discouraged or maybe Island got stronger.

\- You never know – Dejan laughed. Šime shoved him a little bit and they made their way toward their hotel rooms. Dejan was rooming with Mateo and Šime with Domagoj, so they went their separate ways since they were on different floors.

When Dejan entered his room, he was exhausted. It wasn't the training, he's already used to it. It was everything else. The amount of pressure in his shoulders and the way he has to be careful how he behaves around everyone. He lied to everyone around him and that was weighing him down.

Mateo was already sitting on his bed, scrolling on his phone. He was probably chatting with his family or his wife, talking about the game tomorrow.

\- Hey, brate, you ready for tomorrow? – Dejan asked his roomie. Mateo shrugged and turned his phone off, placing it on the nightstand.

\- A little bit nervous, but I know we can put up a hell of a fight, you know?

Dejan nodded. – Yeah, I guess so. You going somewhere tonight?

\- I doubt it. Coach would never let me out of my room. What's up with you? Brate, you look terrible.

The other player laughed. – Wow, thanks.

Mateo shrugged. – I'm just saying. Is everything alright? I heard someone mentioned Anita today? Did you guys resolve your problems?

Dejan laughed coldy. – Resolve our problems? You really live on cloud nine, Mateo. There's nothing to resolve. That was two years ago and we were done even before that. It wasn't like I didn't know she was looking for love somewhere else. I was too! This is all so fucked up.

Mateo stood up from the bed and walked to his teammate. Dejan was leaning against a wall, his worries obviously troubling him.

\- I'm sorry, Dejo, I wasn't trying to be rude – he put a hand on his shoulder.

\- Can I tell you something? But please don't hate me for this. Please – Dejan was practically weeping.

\- Yeah, always, brate, you know I'm there for you. Dejan sat down on the floor and Mateo sat next to him. He put a hand around Dejan's shoulders and just held him for a while. If Dejan was having this much issues with telling him something, it must be big. He didn't want to rush him.

\- You know when I found out about Anita's cheating?

\- Yeah, you didn't really seem surprised.

\- That's 'cause I wasn't. I knew about it, she told me.

\- Told you?

\- I called her after an away game. I think it was ManU or something, I can't remember. But I did something and I had to tell her. It was driving me insane.

Mateo pulled him closer. – What did you do?

\- I cheated. I... I had someone – he said. It was something he has never said out loud to anyone besides his wife. – A man.

Mateo froze. His hand stopped petting Dejan's arm and he stopped breathing for a moment.

\- You hate me, don't you? – Dejan asked. He was ready for Mateo to start yelling, calling him every slur in the book, but his teammate just continued hugging him, pulling him closer into him, wrapping himself around Dejan as tight as possible.

\- You are my brother. You are my family. I could never hate you. What happened with that guy?

\- You really mean that? – Dejan asked and Mateo just smiled at him. - We broke up when I almost got outed. I was scared and I wanted to pretend everything was okay, when it wasn't. So I called Anita, told her everything and she told me about her lover. I wanted to try again, but she knew I couldn't. She knew I didn't love her like I used to.

\- What now? Are you filling for divorce? - I don't know. It's not like we are together anymore. We've been separate for a while now, only being together for the kids' sake. It's just so hard, finding myself after all this time.

Mateo chuckled, which made Dejan look up at him. – You have every right to find yourself at any time of your life. It's after all your life. No decision in your life is final. No one can make you decide your entire life in this moment. You're only 29, čovječe. You got married too soon and you never lived your life. You're entire life was football. It's okay to find yourself.

Dejan laughed into Mateo's chest. – When did you become so wise?

\- I've been hanging with Luka i Raketa too much. Don't ask. Are you going to be okay?

\- Yeah, I guess so. Can this stay between us?

\- You don't even have to ask. When you feel comfortable enough to share that with the rest of the team, trust me, we'll all be there for you. The entire team loves you, Dejan, straight or not.

Dejan nodded and Mateo helped him stand up. - I'll go call my wife, you can go shower – Mateo said and left the room grabbing his phone from the nightstand.

Dejan showered quickly, hot water calming his tired muscles. He brushed his teeth and went to bed. He was already asleep when Mateo came back.

 

 


	2. i am drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this is shit dont kill me, ill prolly rewrite this some time this month lol. enjoy

Even though he felt better after his talk with Mateo, Dejan was still confused about his sexuality. He felt like he was a teenager again, going through puberty and feeling aroused even at the slightest wind. But this time it was even scarier. He didn't know what to do with himself if his teammates decided to hate him just because he might also like men.

A part of him knew they would never hate him, because none of them were homophobic, at least he hoped. Other part of him, the one that hated him because he destroyed his marriage and might also ruin his reputation, told him constantly that there was a difference between tolerating gay people, and changing in front of them and being on the same team as them.

He knew he was different, to say the least, for a few years now, but he never felt anything for another man since the man with whom he cheated Anita. After that affair he shut of completely. His mind was only focused on his kids and football, nothing else. He was on autopilot and it scared him what would happen if he would come off of it.

Then when the World Cup came around, he started living again. The energy his teammates had made him happy to be alive. He thought that was it, he would be happy with his friends and it would be okay. He let himself feel again. But his heart had different plans. It was rattling the cage he had put it in and it was painful. It was painful because he didn't want to let himself feel anything, let alone something for a man. But he did. His heart fluttered as soon as he set his eyes on his teammate.

_Šime Vrsaljko._

That motherfucker made him feel love again. Before him, he never let himself enjoy life. With Šime, it's impossible to be down or sad. People natually gravitated toward him because he was such a happy, bubbly person. He loved being around Šime. Dejan thought it was just friendship between them, but his body and mind and stupid, stupid heart thought differently. Soon it hurt to be around Šime, but it hurt more to not be around him.

He couldn't keep it a secret anymore, at least not the part about him liking men. It felt like he was living a lie and he couldn't breathe. This team was his family and to lie to them felt so disrespectful.

It was driving him insane.

\- Hey, Dejo, could I ask you a favor? – Dominik interrupted Dejan's thought process. He was sort of glad for the kid, he was really close to the edge and needed a distraction.

\- Livi, yeah, what's up? – he noticed a bunched up jersey in Livi's hand and chuckled.

\- This is your jersey for my friend, I was wondering could you sign it for her? You're her favorite so...

Dejan smiled and nodded. – Of course, no problem. Gimme. What's her name?

\- It's Lara, but we call her Lucky, so you could just write that – Dominik sat next to Dejan.

\- Lucky? Why?

\- It's ironic actually. She struggled with her sexuality and her parents had a really hard time understanding that she is, in fact, a lesbian and does not intend to marry a guy and she said football and you helped her get through it and accept herself. She went through a lot of shit, her parents almost kicked her out, her girlfriend dumped her a few days after she came out to her parents, but she was always so happy. We started calling her Lucky after a while and it just kind of stuck. I think you had something to do with it.

Dejan was speechless. He wrote 'Lucky, it gets better. Dejan Lovren' and gave the jersey back to Livi.

\- Is she okay now? – he asked.

\- Oh, yeah, she's in college and lives with her girlfriend. They have a cute black cat. His name is Salem. Like the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch?

He laughed. Of course Dominik would mention something so unimportant.

\- What about her parents?

Livi shrugged. – They still aren't hundred percent okay with it, but I think they understand that they can't change her. It's not something you choose. If she could choose, I doubt she would want to be hated by her parents, you know?

\- So you're cool with her?

\- Her being lesbian? Yeah, of course. My girlfriend is bisexual, so I had to accept it if I wanted to be with her. It's a major part of her. I think I'm the only straight person in my crew back home, so I'm chill with everyone.

Dejan laughed. – Ah, you younglings. So tolerant. You playing today?

\- Dejo, of course we are tolerant. Imagine someone on the team was gay or bisexual, you wouldn't stop playing because or that now, would you? We are all bonded by the love for the game and our private lives have no place out on the field – Livi explained. – And also, I'm not playing, Lovre is the goalie today.

Dominik's words calmed him down, but it also made him feel so scared that he knows, which is impossible. Mateo would never say anything to anyone, especially something this big. This secret was driving him insane, making him borderline paranoid, but he still wasn't ready.

Dominik stood up and squeezed his shoulder. Dejan just nodded and watched as the kid left the locker room. He placed his head in his hands, sighing in frustration. It wasn't supposed to be like this. His life wasn't supposed to be like this. He had everything. A wife, two kids, a great career, everything anyone could've wished for.

Then why was he so miserable? Why was he so tired of his life? Why did he feel like there was someone out there for him, someone who he could have if only he wasn't a coward?

He did have feelings for Šime, that was a given and it made him feel guilty, because Šime had a wife and a kid, for crying out loud, he wasn't going to destroy that. If he did anything to destroy that, he wouldn't be able to live with himself.

\- Jebene emocije – he mumbled and exited the locker room. The game was starting soon and no matter how knotted up he was feeling inside, he needed to be there to support his team. It mattered more than his personal problems.

 

 

During the match, everything was going fine. Well, besides Dejan's fleeting emotions and a bunch of question marks in his mind. He was put into play replacing Marko and he was grateful for that. He caught Šime's look and his reassuring smile have Dejan butterflies, like he was back in middle school. He shook his head, as if that would make his feelings go away. It was game time and there was no room for error.

The game went okay, nothing special really. The B team was great and it was a opportunity for the entire team, the A team to relax a little bit and the B team to get some action on the field. They were all amazing players and it was nice to see them out on the field.

When they won he felt someone's arms around his neck and he already knew who it was. He turned around to face Šime and give him a proper hug.

\- I guess you didn't get some time off after all? – Šime asked, his hand still on Dejan's shoulder. Dejan's skin was burning underneath it, his entire body on alert, ready to follow Šime. He was like putty in Šime's hands, ready for him to mold him into whatever he wanted Dejan to be.

\- But you did.

\- I wasn't talking about myselft now, was I? – Šime replied. – How are you feeling?

\- I'm good, yeah, I'm good. They smiled at each other and left the field with the entire team. Dejan could still feel Šime's hand on his shoulder even though it wasn't there anymore. He sighed and tried to not think about it. To not think about _him_. Mission impossible, Dejan would say. 


End file.
